I’m not a patient person.
And I like being in control. Or at least the illusion of it.
This obviously makes for a good combination when one is seeking to follow God.
As I’ve dealt with a lot of loss in the last few months, I’ve struggled with making sense of God’s hand in my life. I’ve wrestled with wanting God to be a magic genie- doesn’t the Bible say that if I delight myself in the Lord, He will give my the desires of my heart?! And that if I ask, He will give it to me?- and have struggled to reconcile it with the reality of the “here-and-not-yet” kingdom of God, as, I believe, Dallas Willard, has described it. Heaven is not fully realized right now here on earth; and yet, Jesus has come and his Kingdom has been inagurated. And we have a Father who loves us deeply, has rescued us through the death of His Son, and who bids us to ask since He delights to give us good things.
And it’s been in this world; this tension that I’ve struggled with living my heart “alive.” How does one fight for one’s heart? I’m reminded of Jonathan Eldridge, who talks a lot about desire. How desire leads us to God. And how God puts desires in our hearts.
How do I reconcile that when I’m grieving that another birthday of mine is coming soon and I’m still single? And still have not yet been married or have a baby, while I watch and congratulate friend after friend and co-worker on babies. (If it’s seriously in the water, I’m apparently drinking from the wrong container!)
How do I reconcile that when I’ve struggled with mundane jobs, all the while interviewing for ones that would seem to be a better fit, and watch friend after friend get their dream jobs?
I’ve been told to have patience by some and to let God move in my life. Others have told me to pray like crazy- and specifically- and then to put myself in a position for God to work.
What does that mean here? How do I do that without being mowed over with disappointment? And without my heart turning from a live, flesh, beating heart to a flat, paper- cut out heart?
A friend recently asked me if I was so busy trying to figure life out that I was missing it. And ironically, that is my fear. Of missing it- being overly passive and missing opportunities or regretting not taking chances later.
I need wisdom.
And as Proverbs 9:10 reminds me: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” So since wisdom comes from God himself, basically I just really need more of God.
And, truly, that is what I have been craving. More of God- of His Presence, His Word, and of just Him. After a crazy year where my life has literally been turned upside down in a lot of ways, and I have been so lonely that I have physically ached at times; the truly only thing that has been constant has been God. And as much as this year- and my life- has disappointed me in many ways so far, I’m thankful for his Presence. I can’t say that He hasn’t disappointed me- because, if I’m honest, I feel like He has. But, interestingly enough, I’m still thankful for his Presence.
And it’s because of His Presence that I choose, and am continuing to choose, to have a “heart-alive.” It has been His Presence that has nudged my heart and reminded my heart that this isn’t my home, I will experience His goodness here, but that even better things are yet to come. To have hope. And to still desire. And to seek. And be still with Him.
And as I do that, and “walk humbly with my God” (Micah 6:8), not only is He pleased, but I know that I will find rest and what I am truly seeking. God Himself.
Lavender, Lemons, and Cherry Trees 